Hidden Orchestra - Dawn Chorus (2017 Full Album Instrumental Leak MP3 Download)

No intro. Get to it.

https://hiddenorchestra.bandcamp.com/album/dawn-chorus

First Light

Ambient gong and birds. I need more ambient gong. A little build and then quiet rustling…piano. This is a little bit movie score but it’s a solid intro so I’m reserving judgement. If the whole thing is A River Runs Through It: The Score then I should know by four songs in. I don’t like fishing.

Western Isles

If it’s a score, the movie just got way more interesting. There’s a little bit of a western vibe but continuity from the birds in the last song. I really like that the birds sound organic but then occasionally are manipulated to become part of the rythm. I don’t totally love the drumming style but most everything else about this is solid. Hmm…it’s turning into Squarepusher. Which I like, but I don’t know fits with what was just happening. At least there’s no fishing.

Still

That’s nice and clicky. CROW BEAT! BEATS BY CROW! Three songs with birds makes me think this will continue all the way through and I’m not opposed to that. Using organic sounds mechanically doesn’t get done very often and it’s working well, especially on this song. It’s sparse and melancholy but bounces between dark crows and light twittering. Now there’s a cop show vibe. CROW COPS! ARRESTS BY CROW! And now it’s the finale to a television legal drama? The last few minutes of this song don’t know what they want to be. I think there’s even some klezmer in there.

The Lizard

Hey, more birds. They’re playing with a radio.  Does all modern instrumental music struggle with staying interesting through a full song? Just make your songs half as long, ya dingus! Songs with vocals don’t just try something completely different midway through and you shouldn’t either. I hope this song doesn’t change tones/themes halfway through. That last song left me worried. Especially since this is starting out with some nice static-y clicks and whirs. Dead stop almost exactly halfway through…uh oh…wh || …no clue what I was going to say. Maybe that the dead stop wasn’t so bad and it went right back to what I was already listening to instead of A WHOLE NEW SONG like some other instrumental acts like to do.

Long Orchard

Not that long. Only four minutes and 57 seconds. More birds. They’re really sticking with it. They can’t back down now. Some people talk very loudly. Louder than instrumental music with actual changes in dynamics. VOLUME UP, BIRDS! The strings were a little annoying at first but between the timpani/horn and the build of the string repetition this is one powerful and catchy song. With a rooster at the end, because a rooster is a bird too.

Alyth

Are those tropical birds? I think they’re on fire. Or maybe just next to a fire. Jazzy flaming jungle birds whacking a triangle with their wings. This didn’t do much for me. It felt like dentist office music, if the dentist office was full of burning birds.

Wingbeats

Well of course, song name! At some point those birds have to stretch. Someone is ringing the dinner bell (triangle again?) for them. HEY BIRDS, COME EAT YER PSEUDO-JAZZ! There are a lot of melancholy strings and SO MANY BIRDS. This is pretty ambient and at 12 minutes it really better go somewhere. I’m already wishing those wingbeats would turn into real beats. OK, that seems to be starting. Wish granted. Strings coming in, drums, this is good for working to...but is that a jumbo panflute? Whatever that breathy pipe thing is I hate it but the rest of the song is solid. Those low notes are nice. Am I really going to write sentence fragments about specific sounds for five more minutes?

Nope.

Serpentine

That’s some serious drumming. There’s definitely a lot of Flying Lotus happening on this album. Haha...nice. The bird and/or monkey calls used as a harsh accompaniment to the crazy drumbeat makes me smile but also bob my head. Shoot – it’s over already. One minute wasn’t enough for that song.

Stone

This is going back to the river. A River Runs Through It 2: Jungle Bugaloo. So far none of this song is working for me. They’re using pretty much the whole “stormy weather” sound effects CD. Yeah, this song can stay on the movie soundtrack and get off of this album.

East London Street

BIRDS. Even though I can’t say it worked well 100% of the time, I have to give them credit for sticking with the birds to the end. I’m kind of getting burned out on some of these gimmicks though. The fake static pulse was nice five songs ago but not so novel now. The strings are strong so far though. A little bit of a Requiem For A Dream vibe. This can only end one way. Are you ready for some bird degradation? There’s a tonal shift around four minutes, but thankfully not a total song change. I’m still waiting for this to go the way we know all bird addictions eventually go. About three minutes left and I thought this was going to build to something major but it’s just been random birds and cracking for a while now. I guess that’s all I get.

Final rating: Say you have five birds, a bucket of flammable liquid, and five matches. You pour the liquid on the birds and light the matches, reducing the birds to greasy ash. If you divided the ash into five equal piles, this album is about as good as THREE GREASY PILES OF BIRD ASH OUT OF FIVE. It had the potential to be an even bigger pile of blackened toucan but a few of the songs are pretty misguided and out of place on an otherwise-cohesive album.

Download links:

Birdshare

Zippyshare

Omerta.is

The Drums - Abysmal Thoughts (2017 Full Album Leak HQ MP3 Download)

Man, I am so worn out. It’s not even 3pm and I’m ready for bed. That’s my intro to the new The Drums album live review. It has a truly terrible cover. The album, not the review.

Mirror

OK, sure. Sounds like The Drums. Reverb on the guitar, “ooooh” in the background, softy soft voice, some drums. Because The Drums. “I’m not the human that I could have been” – I like this line and all the “breathing machine” business that follows. It’s no “St. Joseph’s Baby Aspirin”, but I’m good with any song spent staring at yourself in the mirror wondering what good you are. This is pleasantly existential for such a happy sounding song. I’m turning up the volume.

I’ll Fight For Your Life

Nice song name, nice intro. I feel like I’ve been stuck with a bunch of albums in a row that don’t understand the value of sonically distinguishing one song from another so it’s nice to have it happen on something that sounds really poppy and simple. The driving bass is really carrying the song. I’m still tired but it’s not the album’s fault one bit. There are all kinds of bleep bloop noises happening and it’s really to their credit that I’m enjoying them instead of being annoyed.

Blood Under My Belt

This song is a little muddier. Not grabbing me right away. This may be past the point of pouty that I’m willing to tolerate and this is a pretty pouty band to begin with. I guess it’s fine. Not that good though. Did he say he’s scared of the child that lives in him? Outside of that line I think a breakup/love song robot could have written this by calculating the average occurrence of certain words in this kind of song. I guess it’s fine. Everything is fine.

Heart Basel

Those synthesizer sounds make me smile. Plus he just talked about the ocean and that’s how The Drums won me over to begin with. Back to the “oohs” I love so much. Every live review I write can be boiled down to “that annoying sound is annoying, that annoying sound is enjoyable, obscure musical reference, I like when they say “ooh”. Review over.

“I question your love for me, ‘cause baby – you don’t make sense”

Song is fun. Everything is fun.

Shoot The Sun Down

Too noisy

Head Of The Horse

NO! NO FUZZY PHONE CONVERSATION EXCERPTS OR ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES! BAD THE DRUMS! BAD! Otherwise the vocal/guitar intro is nice and this has a different drum beat and talks about hugs a lot. I’ll excuse the phone recording transgression for the sake of variety.

Under The Ice

I’m finding that I like the songs that don’t follow the strict The Drums formula better than those that do on this album. This one follows the formula. It’s not a bad formula, but I’m ready to move from formula to whole milk or at least a mix of the two. So far this album has done a pretty good job of helping my musical toddler ears grow at an acceptable rate. They’re in the 65% percentile.

Are U Fucked

WHOA, THE DRUMS! LANGUAGE! Breathy intro with tapping…this is another anti-The Drums song by The Drums. I was really digging it but the chorus is…needlessly crass? I’m really not a prude but the profanity just doesn’t fit here at all. I think I see what they’re trying to do but it comes off as immature.

Your Tenderness

This is a pretty good mix of sounds from both ends of the spectrum from the album so far. I don’t love the slightly-flat watery sound though. I was perking up but I’m tired again so I’m blaming the farting frog. Talk about immature.

Song is farting. Everything is farting.

I hate that sax outro so much.

Rich Kids

The song sounded fine but this is another trite and intellectually immature song lyrically. Didn’t the “let me complain about rich kids explicitly” thing die with all the 80s hardcore bands? Too bad it annoys me so much because I like the strange windy bouncing synthesizer that kicks in halfway through.

If All We Share (Means Nothing)

Ah, the sounds of playing children. He climbed a mountain. So he could see you coming. He also dug a river. So you could sink in it? The best way to make someone fall in love with you is to trap and then murder them. I actually like this song a lot, even the farting duck. So many gassy animals on this album.

Abysmal Thoughts

That’s an Old The Drums intro with the crunchy reverb guitar AND I LOVE IT. What a great way to start the final song. Some almost-acapella stuff, interplay between the synthesizer, guitar, and voices…This song really has it all. Nice job, The Drums.

Final score: Four enthusiastic but not overly-smelly animal farts out of five. One point off for needing to GROW UP, THE DRUMS.

Download links:

Waterfowlgas.com

Mega.nz

Lorde - Melodrama (2017 Full Album 320 MP3 Download Leak)

I’m actually way too excited about this album. There’s pretty much no way I won’t be disappointed. Look at the cover…I’m already disappointed. I’m glad Lorde commissioned an angsty can’t fall asleep portrait from a local high schooler but it’s not a good album cover. Or maybe it is for the music on the album. I don’t know yet, but I will in a second.

Green Light

Crap – I think I heard part of this song before. I hate that with a new album. She’s so angry. Why is she so angry? This is awfully aggressive. Hahaha! When she tries to go to deep-voiced growl for “I hear sounds in my mind” they probably could have added some production tricks so it wouldn’t sound so lame. “Sometimes I wake up in a different bedroom”? As far as I can tell this is the angry drunk but now I’m sad post-party anthem. It’s not entirely un-catchy, but it doesn’t have a lot of what I love about the first Lorde album. And I do love it.

Sober

Another party song? The intro to this is trying really hard to be weird but I don’t hate it. But if this whole album is about drinking and partying I’m probably not going to identify with it too heavily. It was the tone of the first album that won me over and not necessarily the lyrics so I’ll stick with it. This song is pretty bombastic like the first one though and while I can definitely enjoy it I’m hoping that all this party comedown talk turns to more sedate, pulsing, uncomfortable introspection. So I basically either want it to be How to Dress Well. Yuck. I hate the hand clap-y last part of this song. I hope there are at least a few songs where there’s not a backing vocal track with four people singing the same thing.

Homemade Dynamite

I think this is probably closest to what I’m looking so far but it’s still a ways away. SO MUCH PARTY TALK. And there’s the multi-voice chorus again. These songs are afraid for there to be any silence or held notes. Her gun shooting sound effect with her voice is pretty endearing though. But then that dumb “blowin’ shit up with homemade d-d-d-dynamite” refrain kicks back in.

The Louvre

I hope this is actually The Proclaimers “I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)”. It’s not. I like that it’s “The Louvre” by The Lorde. Although she should really spell her name “Lourde”. There are some nice production tricks in this song, even if it’s doing the annoying dance song thing of talking about dancing as if people won’t know they’re supposed to be dancing unless they’re constantly reminded and encouraged. Solid bassline in this song. Does everything stop a minute before the end of the song because everyone is tired of dancing. COOLDOWN EXERCISES FOR THE LAST MINUTE, PEOPLE

Liability

For all my complaining I’m actually enjoying this pretty well. Piano intro followed by vocals…her vocals are still too loud. I like it better when you can hear her but her voice dodges in and out of sparse sounds like it’s got something it needs to say to you but it’s also a little awkward and doesn’t quite know how to say it all at once. That’s not happening her. What the crap is this toy nonsense? OK, this song is dumb. Too bad because the piano ballad is really a chance to shine.

Hard Feelings/Loveless

Finger snaps. Do you remember finger snaps? They were on the last album. These finger snaps are a little rounder sounding, and they’re playing 80s arcade games if the sound effects are any indication. Those aren’t the only 80s things jumping all over this song but I can ignore them – I think this is my favorite song so far. It’s sparse enough and has some interesting layers. It’s probably going to start shouting at me about drinking and partying and dancing soon but it’s doing pretty well so far and I have to give credit to any song over five minutes on a party/pop album. Although I don’t know if it counts if the “/” in the title actually means that they just forgot to put a track break in and instead put five seconds of silence in one longer track. Because the last two minutes are absolutely a different song. Where she says a bad word so you know she’s serious. Wait, it’s fading out at 90 seconds into a two-minute song? This must mean something. I like spelling in songs. I like spelling in general.

Sober II (Melodrama)

The symphony is going to tell me to party hard. I just know it. The jump to piano/vocal is actually pretty nice since it’s starting to bring together the earlier parts of the album. And then the strings come in. More “F” words. So serious. The build of this is really solid though. I’m two minutes in and really wishing this song was more than three minutes long. Especially since the last 30 seconds is just highvoice chanting the name of the album over and over.

Writer In The Dark

WOW LOUD VOCALS. Is this the obligatory writer’s block song? Huh, maybe not. She has a leg up on Bill Callahan right now then. Just piano/vocal/finger snaps and boy I really like the melody and the way they executed the chorale effect. The echoes are good too. At first I thought the music was playing out of my phone speaker as well as my headphones so A+ production on this one.

Supercut

The way this song opens makes me think of every single pop song from 1996. Does anyone who isn’t into film or is a celebrity know what a “supercut” even is? I happen to fall into at least one of those categories but there are plenty of people who probably think she’s talking about cheap haircuts. “It’s just a Great Clips of us” doesn’t work as well but now I hope it happens in this song. This song is pretty boring. Does Lorde spend her nights drunk and her days fighting with lovers? Still boring. Jesus…the fade out lasted almost a minute.

Liability (Reprise)

Didn’t way more albums used to have reprises? Did that die off because the label called Reprise died? Oh wait – they’re still alive. I just don’t listen to any of their artists. This song was over before I could form an opinion. Mostly because I was too busy learning that Seal is still releasing albums. On Reprise Records.

Perfect Places

This album is losing me. This song is mostly a bunch of people shouting together. It sounds like they’re having an argument with a synthesizer. OK and now it’s done. That was a pretty weak way to close the album.

Final rating: I was all set to give this four Lorde echoes out of five because it managed to entertain me most of the way through but those last three songs knocked off half a Lorde. Three-and-a-half Lordes out of five. We have a real mess on our hands. Oh Lourde.

Download links:

Omerta.is

Crocko

Hazel English - Just Give In / Never Going Home (2017 Full Album Download MP3 320 Leak SAME SONG OVER AND OVER)

What the heck…I’ll do another of these. I’ll review this Courtney Barnett Hazel English album that’s not really an album. Smooshing two EP’s together shouldn’t count as an album unless you clearly note in the album name that that’s what you did. Hazel didn’t do that so she gets one demerit.

https://hazelenglish.bandcamp.com/releases (I guess? You can't listen to or buy anything from here so just stare at the page until you hear music) Oh wait...https://polyvinylrecords.bandcamp.com/album/just-give-in-never-going-home

Other Lives

I hate retro snare beats at this point. I never liked The Replacements and even early REM is barely tolerable from a production point of view. Another demerit for opening the album with what sounds like the backing track from a 1985 REM outtake. Female vocals so it’s not exactly Michael Stipe but boy oh boy is this ever SO TOTALLY 80s BUT ALSO SO VERY INDIE. Echoes abound.

Fix

I didn’t even notice that the songs had changed. I think this has the exact same drum beat and vocal echoes as the first song. It’s slightly catchier than the first song but basically the same so maybe by the last song she’ll get it just right. I actually just had to check to make sure I didn’t miss a song in between these two but I guess not.

Birthday

She sings a little higher in this song but otherwise I can’t tell it apart from the first one. It’s only one second longer than the first song so I’ll just assume they’re the same. The track two version of the first song was better. Her one song isn’t a terrible song, but three versions in I’m getting a little tired of it.

Love Is Dead

An indie 80s baseline to open! At least it’s not the Replacements snare aga- there it is. This version of her one song is slightly different because it has stopping points midway through to catch your breath from all that glossy, ill-defined guitar and HEY DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT 80s PRODUCTION SOUNDED LIKE? Hazel English wasn’t alive to remember it, but I was and it was terrible. What makes me tolerant of M83 and not this? Not sure, but at least there’s a little variety and majesty with M83. This is just the same crappy pop song over and over. If she’s saying anything memorable I can’t understand it thanks to the intentionally crappy production. As far as I can tell most of her lyrics are just repeating the song titles over and over.

Note: I actually have no idea how old Hazel English and I don’t care so let me dream my dream that she’s just not old enough to know any better about how pretentious it is to be nostalgic for something you never directly experienced.

More Like You

This is a much slower version of her song and the snare drum is more muted. At this point I’ll take it as enough variety because I think that’s all I’m going to get. This “album” feels like a single. I remember getting singles and not realizing that’s what they were, then by the third version of the same song I would finally look at the tracklist and realize I was just listening to slightly different edits or remixes over and over. I’ll take a Ministry single over this though.

Never Going Home

Opens with a guitar riff…please be different from all the others. At this point I don’t want to keep writing about how every song sounds the same. DAMMIT this one pretty much sounds the same. I’m sure in about 20 seconds she’ll start repeating “never going home”. HAHAHA I AM A PSYCHIC. Lots of “ooooh” in the background makes this one of the top two versions of her one song so far.

Make It Better

How much longer is this thing? Five more songs counting this one??? Ugh. There’s basically nothing that can save the album for me at this point but I can’t just stop listening. It’s not in the true spirit of live reviewing. I think I got at least twice as much enjoyment out of Wheeler Walker Jr. as I did Hazel English. This is another slightly slower version of THE SONG. In all versions I’m almost sure the snare rhythm is the same but I don’t care enough to go back and prove it. There’s some lilting high voice. Not much though. BLEAAAAAAGH I want to listen to Ministry now.

Control

I think there’s a slightly stronger echo effect applied to her voice in this version of THE SONG. Also, two demerits for daring to make an 80s-sounding that references “control” without giving at least a nod to Joy Division.

Let’s compare for quality.

Hazel English:

What are you searching for

Someone to admire

You want to feel in control

You do what you like

Joy Division:

But she expressed herself in many different ways,

Until she lost control again.

And walked upon the edge of no escape,

And laughed I've lost control.

A full qualitative analysis shows that Joy Division is good and Hazel English is an idiot.

It’s Not Real

Oh my god a different intro of strummed guitar BUT WAIT, THERE’S SNARE! Echo and guitar gloss have been turned down in this mix of THE SONG. I’m totally out of things to say about it beyond that.

I’m Fine

Oh huh…I think I’ve actually heard this song. It’s not too bad so far. Yes… you’re fine, Hazel. It’s clear that you are so fine that you have no angst, inner turmoil, or artistic motivation of your own. Oh yeah, that sharp synth horn – I’ve heard this for sure. It’s definitely a different song from the other one that’s over and over on this album because I’m halfway through and there’s no snare and the song is actually building to something. Probably a snare drum. I stopped paying attention and had to go back to the last 30 seconds of the song to check my prediction – no snare. I’m only 50% psychic.

That Thing

Whatever.

Final demerit count: Four? Not going back and counting. At five demerits you’re hanged so let’s call it four and let her live. That leaves her at a rating of one remaining demerit out of a possible five. If you want to enjoy something like this album just watch Drive instead. It’s not great, but at least while they repeat the same fake 80s song for an hour you get to watch someone hit another person with tools. DID YOU NOTICE THE SYMBOLISM IN DRIVE? BECAUSE THERE WAS SOME.

Download links:

Megadrive

Crocko

Big Thief - Capacity (2017 Full Album Leak 320 MP3 Download)

I liked the last Big Thief album all right I guess. Someone anonymous was very enthusiastic about it and that enthusiasm was infectious. I actually can’t remember my opinion of the last album out of that context but let’s just all agree that it was fine and was probably at least one person’s ALBUM OF THE YEAR.

https://bigthief.bandcamp.com/album/capacity

Pretty Things (3)

I think this is a Metallica song from the black album. Oh, that singing tells me I’m wrong. An elf is singing. A pretentious elf from the roaring 20s. Someone is tripping over garbage in the background while the elf talks about her pubis. A lot. This song has no beat, and not a lot of  rhythm. Not something you’d dance to, but you probably wouldn’t want to because if you danced you would miss all the talk about what’s between elf thighs.

Shark Smile (5)

A bunch of instruments being played randomly. This album is not off to a very cohesive start. Maybe all their instruments broke after the last one and this is supposed to be a chronicle of their loss. Oh wait, a minute in they started working and a real beat happened. The Flapper elf voice is still kind of irritating to me but this has a nice Mazzy Star On Uppers vibe that I’m digging. As previously noted, I am an absolute sucker for any time a singer says “ooh” instead of an actual word. That song was pretty decent.

Capacity (2)

I hope every song on the album doesn’t start with a cacophony. Because the first three did. I feel like Jennifer Charles was really born too soon. No one appreciates Elysian Fields now but she’s been doing this shtick for decades. Wait…do I have the right artist? Let me check || I just listened to Black Acres and I’m definitely thinking of Elysian Fields. They were Big Thief before Big Thief was Big Thief. Maybe that’s the whole point of the band name. STRINGS! They stole from Elysian Fields, Mazzy Star, and…I’m missing someone else. I didn’t really like most of this song. Too discordant.

Watering (0)

It doesn’t start with a mess of broken instruments! I thought this band had a male singer too but I’m probably thinking of someone else. I want this song to be performed by a male vocalist. Not just for an elf break but because I think it would work better with a deeper voice. And I don’t like the heavily distorted guitar they randomly strum every so often. This song does that thing that ROCKERS like to do where it stumbles over itself to do a power move every so often. The singing sounds more like howling by the end. The last song I just didn’t like parts of. This song I didn’t like the whole thing, which is a shame because song four is every band’s chance to shine.

Coma (6)

Strumma strumma strumma STOP what? OK, let’s get back to it. I don’t have much to say about this song but it was probably my favorite so far.

Great White Shark (7)

I like this one even better. I feel like the fluidity of it (sharks live in water!) is well-suited to the wobbly elf voice. The drums dropping out even works for me; sometimes that trick is just annoying.

Mythological Beauty (6)

They said the name of the song in the first line. Good for them. Romeo must die. I like this song so far too. Maybe the first four songs were there to get rid of anyone not dedicated enough to the band. Well I’m dedicated. So dedicated that I’ll at least listen to the rest of the songs. No guarantee that I’ll ever listen to the album again though. Ouch…she shouldn’t screamsing like she just did. That part was annoying. But the bouncing bass notes are fun. || These live reviews have made me realize that I really don’t like time signature changes in pop songs. But even with the Rush impersonation I still like this song quite a bit. Not a lot, but quite a bit. There’s a difference. Quite a bit of difference.

Haley (7)

Yeah, this thing has really hit its stride. The singer can’t hit notes as high as she wants so I hope she stops trying. The secret to success is never trying to achieve anything more than what you’re already capable of. I like the way she rushes through the line right before each held word. “Anywayouwalkaround”. Charms me every time. I should start marking these songs as “+” or “-“ and come up with a final score at the end. Art appreciation is just math. I can say that because I was a docent once. I decided. I’m going back and adding a 1-10 score to every song. Not technically live for all the ones before this but screw you if you don’t like my hat. It’s my live review.

Mary (6)

Straight vocal intro and it’s not very good. I want it to be Regina Spektor and I think the singer does too. It’s not. Halfway through and she’s still trying really hard, just vocal and piano. This would probably seem really nice if I’d never heard my musical wife Regina before. I had to skip back a little to be sure, but a robot bird starts chirping around 3:35. It was annoying at first but I kind of like it as the only foreign sound. I was at peace with the Spektor impersonation by the end of this song.

Black Diamonds (7)

Kind of a bar band vibe to this which I usually hate but I like this so far. Her voice is clear and strong and I wonder why she hasn’t sung like this more on the album. The guitar is a little all over the place like the player forgot what they were doing every fifth note but at least it’s way behind the good vocals. I think I also just like the words “black” and “diamonds” and they sound good together. Even the wispy refrain of “I could never leave him” sounds OK in the context of the song even though it’s sung higher than she can really hit. Oh hey…that was the last song.

The final countdown: Assuming 10 possible points per song if this was the BEST ALBUM EVER (a title currently held by both “Honky Chateau” and Sunset Rubdown’s “Dragonslayer”) these big thieves get a 49/100. We’ll round up to give them six stolen Reginas out of 10.

Download links:

Rapidgator

Reginaswipe

Charlie Fink - Cover My Tracks (2017 Full Album Download Leak Of Total Crap)

https://charliefink.bandcamp.com/releases

I wasn’t going to write anything and then the ridiculous cowboy song came on and I couldn’t stop laughing. So my live review is mostly just the lyrics to that song and some complaining. This album is a crappy pile of crap and doesn’t even deserve to be live reviewed all the way through. The last Noah and the Whale album was laughably bad with its absence of any kind of subtlety and “I’m your new guidance counselor” vibe but this is a whole new level of bad. As I look over the lyrics to this cowboy song I think they might actually be fine if they weren’t sung in the most earnest, smug tone possible as if no one has ever thought these kinds of thoughts before.

[Verse 1]

Some girls dream of meeting a rich boy

Some girls dream of being a Playboy

But since I was young, I only had one

I dreamed of being a cowboy

I used to strut up and down my street

Wearing a Stetson and boots on my feet

And in my mind, I'd go back in time

To a land of sand and whiskey

[Pre-Chorus]

And ooh, ooh, all the other kids

They used to tell me I was strange

But ooh, ooh, I didn't care what they think

I knew I belonged on the plains

[Chorus]

'Cause I was born to be a cowboy

Singing in a campfire song

I was born to be a cowboy

But the cowboys are gone

[Verse 2]

Soon I gave up on the rodeo

And started listening to the radio

Got lost in the sound and I found

That I was born to rock and roll

I started playing the electric guitar

And learned to limited repertoire

And dreamed of the days where the bands still played

And good music could make you a star

[Pre-Chorus]

And ooh, ooh, most people said I should quit

Said I didn't belong on stage

But ooh, ooh, I didn't care what they think

I knew I had songs in my veins

[Chorus]

'Cause I was born to be a rock star

Live fast and die young

I was born to be a rockstar

But the rockstars are gone

[Bridge]

How do you find your place in a world

Where you don't belong?

All the worlds where I should have been

They've all come and gone

[Chorus]

'Cause I was born to be someone

It was written in my faith

I was born to be a someone

But maybe I was born too late

Someone needs to tell Charlie Fink, “You are not that interesting. No one is. Don’t ever sing about the real you ever again because your thoughts are insipid and you write like a fourth-grader.” At least the fast songs can be somewhat tuned out and you can pretend the lyrics aren’t the worst you’ve ever heard but this solo album is mostly slow songs. About him, or boring stories about people that are probably just him. I don’t have any clue what kept him in check for the first few Noah and the Whale albums or if they were just so catchy that I don’t notice how bad his writing is but man…it’s bad.

Rating: One self-referential line out of 10. The one point is only because there are a few catchy parts that made me go listen to a Noah and the Whale album I actually liked.

Follow-up Non Live Review Notes: For some reason I listened to this album twice more. It's still laughably bad in the lyrics department but darned if it isn't a little catchy. That said, I figured out what annoys me about his delivery - he's not trying. He's smug and he knows his voice is charming and he leaves it at that instead of putting a little effort into it. The only thing he's really trying to do at all is be "pretty Lou Reed" and it's just not working. But still kind of catchy.

Download links:

Poopshare.com

Megacrap

Do Make Say Think - Stubborn Persistent Illusions (2017 Full Album Leak Instrumental 320 Download)

https://domakesaythink.bandcamp.com/

War On Torpor

Is that an organ? I should know what that squeaky instrument is but I can’t place it. So far this just sounds like later Man Or Astoman? to me. Still with some surfing and some retro robots but also a little bit of “hey, look…we can be ARTISTS”. There’s a banjo thing coming in halfway through that adds a nice layer to the melody. Is it a banjo? If I can’t think of any instruments I’m going to have a really hard time with this instrumental album. I’m grateful that there are no gratuitous guitar solos. Yet. This song is sure taking me on a journey – I think we just hit China. SURF CHINA, ROBOTS!

Horripilation

No, not yet. I’m listening to a goddamn add for chemo. Should’ve just downloaded a leak from a rad site like Paper St. Leak Co. but I was too impatient.

Horripilation

For reals this time. Pretty good portmanteau for a title, I guess. If it weren’t for the chemo ad I’d probably appreciate the minimal guitar intro more after the big finale of the world-traveling surf song. I really hate the style of drumming on this song and for some reason every instrumental (especially surf) band has it on at least a few songs. I blame The Ventures. The little tinkling piano keys were kind of nice, especially the way they play off of both sides of my head but they didn’t really shine until the horns came in and gave them an accent. Once that happened I could almost forget about the drums. IT’S GETTING SO QUIET, IS THIS THE HORROR? I wish the guitar monster had stayed under the bed. The rest of this song was shaping up really nicely. The strong melody of the guitar kind of made me tune out.

Why did I just get a FedEx signature required alert? 

How the heck long is this song? 10 ½ minutes might be a little too long. Somewhere in the last quarter of the song a duck starts farting and all the frogs laugh at it. This went from slightly ominous to swamp slapstick.

A Murder of Thoughts

They sure are trying to be tough with these song titles. If there’s a joke I’m not getting it so I have to assume they’re serious because I HAVE THE BEST SENSE OF HUMOR EVER. Is every song going to start with one sound and then gradually add new pieces until it’s a big dance party? This one seems to be going that way. There’s a tiny cowboy riding the melody of this one and I would rather he lope along through the song on his own but already there’s a big drum edging in. By the end I predict at least eight new instruments. This band sure seems like a “not less than 10” kind of gang. It wasn’t 10. I was wrong. I’m glad.

Bound

This reminds me of something but I can’t think of what. This is the best live review ever written. “I can’t place that instrument.” “I can’t think of what this reminds me of.” “This is kind of like that thing that I did once but can’t describe.” Maybe it reminds me of the intro to a late-90s alternative rock hit starring Third Eye Everclear. WHAT IS HAPPENING There’s a terrible siren noise halfway through that is really messing up the song for me. The parts without the ELECTRIC GUITAR, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU PLAY WHEN YOU ROCK are actually really pleasant. The guitar is so-so, and the siren is terrible. The ending was stupid too. Sounded like ZZ Top going to the bathroom.

And Boundless

Oh good, this song starts where the last one ended. These are not my two favorite songs in the world. Sounds like a car alarm is going off through the whole first two minutes. And it’s back. TURN OFF YOUR ALARM I’m tuning out until that happens. At some point in the last four minutes it happened but now there’s just a bunch of stupid cymbal crashes and THE SIREN FROM THE LAST SONG IS BACK. Thank god it’s finally over.

Her Eyes On The Horizon

This can only win me over. There’s a little bit of cowboy in this song. All the saxophones and clarinets are doing their best impression of that one free jazz album they heard that one time. The rest of the song is fine. Just fine.

As Far As The Eye Can See

I hear a real car alarm right now. Or a siren. Either way, it fits better with the music than the intentional one did on “And Boundless”. I wish the song titles told a story instead of being loosely related. I like the upbeat on this song – I needed something a little happy and I always feel happy when I hear an upbeat. It’s why I’m so tolerant of ska. Unfortunately, the upbeat drops off partway through for laser crickets to sing their song. It’s not a great song, and that’s probably why laser crickets are almost extinct. The drum coming back in is working so well- HEY! They interrupted the one drum part I was really enjoying. Playing random notes on the guitar (I believe the technical term is “noodling”) is really starting to get to me. I guess when you make a song with no words last almost 10 minutes you have to fill the time with something. I would have preferred twice as many two or three minute songs.

Shlomo’s Son

This stupid chemo ad. Every single song.

Shlomo’s Son 

Oh my god! A song that starts differently from all the others! It’s still doing the (at this point) stock intro with just one-ish instrument that will build in time to many but the piano backed by whatever that bass sound is was a really nice change of pace. Hey, did you know that you can play a snare drum with wire brushes? Because Do Make Say Crepes or whatever their name is does. It’s not the worst thing to want to make sure the world knows. Not like wanting to tell everyone you have a car alarm and know how to use it. Plus, this song was less than four minutes long which is much better. I love a good 10 or 15-minute song but you have to have a reason to go that long and so far I don’t feel like this band has one.

Return, Return Again

This song basically opens with an electric noodling solo so by default it’s the worst one on the album. || I don’t mind droning if it’s lower-pitched and there’s plenty of that here. This is a reasonable closer, it just shouldn’t have been seven minutes long.

Rating: Two car alarms out of five. I don’t know why I would ever listen to this when Man or Astroman? exists, followed closely by basically every instrumental light rock band from The Ventures to Friends of Dean Martinez. Which is a super obscure reference but is the album this one should have been (https://www.subpop.com/releases/friends_of_dean_martinez/the_shadow_of_your_smile).  Even the Sub Pop newsgroup thinks so - “Eerie, Western-tinged instrumental lounge music that makes you pine for a patch of desert and a big ol’ martini.” – Sub Pop newsgroup

Download links:

Caralarmshare

4Shared

Do Make Say Think - Persistent Stubborn Illusions (2017)

Do Make Say Think - Persistent Stubborn Illusions (2017)

I stumbled upon this group a few years back when I was on a music odyssey. This is their first album in 8 years, so I'm pretty excited. Unless there's some mass departure from these mugs, we should have a solid instrumental/post-rock type of thing happening here. Should be interesting for a live review.

War on Torpor : Ooooh a really nice build into some quick drums. There's so much sound in the first 30 seconds. It's building to a high crescendo and I don't think I'm a minute in.. Okay, whew a plateau. Otherwise, I think my head might have exploded. The bass drum is coaxing the back sounds through and allows another string (not a banjo, but something) into the forefront. Oh wow, I really like how this is featuring sound. There was this insane building cacophony of sound and then this deconstruction. This track has such a fast tempo that there's no time to linger on the featured sound, but there are these distinct, clean breaks that strip out sound here and there that really bring your attention to the individual elements. Wow. Pretty rad first track.

Horripilation : Nice transition into track two. Just coasts right in, but it's clear there's a different tenor here. Some nice strings moving us along. These two songs leave little time to rest. They are pulling you right through the song. Some really soothing guitar work here. The way the guitar and drums are playing off each other here is exquisite. They are building into each other and what started as a two entities has built into a single theme.. and then the guitar drops out. The transition into some high keyboard sounds is lovely. The drum isn't overpowering here. They are working so hard to demonstrate mastery over a sound transitions and they are fucking killing it. The distorted fade out into some chirps feels like a trope of the genre, but they bring in the overpowering dirge of an organ sound. It's not the end of the song - it's a transition. I'd say it's a lull, but the tempo doesn't give you room to breath even though you want to take a moment to soak in that brooding organ. Oh what a supreme move back into an up tempo drum and guitar. We are two songs in and I'm so excited to listen to this album again (specifically this track). Oh this song won't go quietly. It's taking me back down, stripping it all down, but keeping tempo. The movement of sound and bit parts of instruments just draw my focus. I can hardly type with these loops. I had to check. That was 10 minutes and 27 seconds of joy. I cannot wait to get in my car and blast this track.

Murder of Thoughts : A slow intro. This doesn't have the up tempo movement of the previous two songs, but rather a stroll along the guitar. Some waning guitar fades that remind me of Pink Floyd's Echoes or Meddle. It's that waxing/waning space sound that is covered by easy guitar twangs. The Pink Floyd influence here seems pretty strong. This track feels like the albums attempt to slow you down after fury of the first two songs. If that's the song's task, it does it's job. Not unpleasant.

Bound : Picking guitar intro. Lightly though - there's not a sharp pick here - probably more of a soft touch. Then a nice transition from the high strings to a bell-like sound and our drum softly enters. Oh nice.. the drum is a herald for the movement into some synth type of sounds. The drum is such a nice moving compliment to the twinkling lights. Just like that, I've been walked into a wall of sound. I can still hear the twinkling underneath and then.. as sudden as the wall appeared it has been removed. Just the twinkling. Wow, it's back. These transitions are excellent. Somewhat abrupt, but I feel guided into the transitions so that it's not out of place. Really nice loops.

And Boundless : Tricky movement between songs. I happened to glace down after a change in tone and noticed the song change. Otherwise, it might slip by. This is much harder and droning sound. Up tempo with short loops. There's so much that can be accomplished in these transitions and the band is coaxing every bit of attention out of me. This song rolls right along. I need to listen to these two tracks (Bound - And Boundless) in isolation and then again together, I think. There's a movement in And Boundless from the beginning to end that sounded like something from Bound, but I need to go back over it. Alas, that's not the way of a live review. For now, I am intrigued by the connection of these two songs that I want to spend more time listening here.

|| pause in the action ||

Her Eyes On The Horizon :  This track is a tumble. The sounds are falling and rolling over each other, but in a good way. The ebb and flow of the song is really smooth. I don't really feel like any of the sounds are out of place or are introduced for no reason. Usually, I can get a stronger understanding of the song on instrumental tracks after a few solid listens, but we don't have that luxury here. Off the cuff, I can see why this track appears after the two previous songs. It's good, but didn't grab me like the previous tracks. That could be because of the pause, but I'm not sure.

As Far As The Eye Can See : Hot dog. Oh this is some sexy sound building. The far away talking guitar and a close up. This song feels like they are playing with aperture through sound. Which makes sense given the title of the song. I dig it when a song title really seems to fit, and this one does. There's movement all over the place with the guitar, but it's not overwhelming. It's just a guide. The guitar is taking you through each section with some foundation. Other than the drums, it's unified this track so far. What a song. I don't know how they edit this stuff, but this is beautifully executed. What a great track. Might be up there with Horripilation for top track on the album so far.

Shlomo's Son : Solo piano with a guitar string slap to start. On an album like this, a stripped down sound of a piano can really feel intimate. This is so sparse compared to the other tracks. There's a wispy sound that must be a violin, but is close to a theremin, but not quite a singing saw. Whatever it is, it's working for me. The slow tempo, piano, and wispy whine of drawn out sound really begs you to slow it down for a moment. An odd ending though. Some glitchy hiccups to close.

Return, Return Again : Two electric guitars working out. A nice rhythm is establish and you can feel the break coming. There it is, but gone almost immediately. There's some left overs and it trims down. That had to be an introduction. Pairing down and boom. Yep, this is a solid closing track. This song feels like closing up shop. They are walking down sounds, but putting a lot of the album's work on display. The technical proficiency here from both the musical and editing standpoint has to be pretty damn good here. I don't know anything about how to do either of those things, but I do know that not many albums pull this kind of thing off well.

All in all, I give this a 4.75 posts out of 5.38 rocks. Really liked the first time through. I'm going to roll it back through right now.

Ulrika Spacek - Modern English Decoration (2017 Full Album Leak Download SO MANY PEDALS)

I realized I was saying “I don’t know anything about this…” at the start of every review and that’s ridiculous.

https://ulrikaspacek.bandcamp.com/album/modern-english-decoration-2 

(follow-up warning - the album description on the Bandcamp page is about as pretentious as it gets)

Mimi Pretend

I like this Cure nice-goth from the early 80s guitar sound. They’re singing through a Strokes megaphone, but softly. Repetitive snare hits and strumming the same two notes over and over – so far so good.

Silvertonic

I dig that reverb (I always will) but the vocals are a little moribund. Like a British sketch comedy making fun of goths without having ever actually interacted with a goth kind of moribund. Somehow the song gets way more sparse by the last half. I don’t think I like this one but now I’m pretty sure I listened to it twice by mistake.

Dead Museum

Sparse might be the name of the game here. I don’t actually have a problem with that but two things are pulling me out of the minute-plus intro – the fact that someone is sporadically laughing loudly next to me and the intensity of the snare drum. I don’t usually keep my music volume too loud but maybe now is the time. VOLUME UP BEEP That’s better. The snare fades into the mix once the nice fuzzy guitar starts. This is definitely more my speed than the last song. I wish it built a little more so the distortion was coming in waves by the end (like Th Faith Healers) but it’s still OK. I don’t like the whammy bar outro though.

Ziggy

Better be about Bowie. I don’t know how it couldn’t be. Here comes that bastard snare drum. There was a nice echoing vocal effect and now all I can hear is the stupid snare. About 90 seconds in all the fuzz goes away and it actually works really well. Even though pretty much nothing new happened in the last four minutes of the song I really enjoyed it.

Everything, All The Time

This one’s a little more rock-like. In a bad way. They used the distortion cutting out trick again and it didn’t work as well this time. I hate this snare drum so much. This song wasn’t good.

Modern English Decoration

This is where this band seems to be at their best. Mild and repetitive, not trying too hard. This song sounds like old Dandy Warhols with the complex layering removed. Not bad at all. The cutting in and out of the distortion and fuzz effect can get a little irritating because it’s not done with a lot of finesse but I could definitely listen to this song again.

Full Of Men

I’m kind of feeling like this has just been the same three songs repeating, which isn’t impossible considering one of them repeated without me realizing it earlier. This one is back to snare central and 5,000 different guitar pedals changing in and out with no real reason. This song is a total mess and that SNARE IS STIL TAP TAP TAPPING.

Saw A Habit Forming

They’re definitely better when they just find something that works pretty well and repeat it for five minutes. I can’t hear a single word being sung but that’s fine. If their strength was in the lyrics they probably would have pushed them to the forefront a little more.

Victorian Acid

That underwater effect on the vocals is ridiculous. It belongs in The Incredible Mr. Limpet, not a shoegaze song. As much as I hate the snare drum on this album, I think it’s greatest failing is the fact that they have 50 different effects and can’t stop themselves from using them all on every single song. I can’t even hear the rest of the song because of the burbling sounds of the little mermaid’s backup choir.

Protestant Work Slump

That is a super loud and clear guitar after the last song where the guitar was strangled by an octopus and then buried at the bottom of the sea. Thankfully, this final song seems to be more in line with the songs from the album I’ve liked better. I’m not going to go with “best” because there’s a crummy interlude with warbling high-pitched vocals and a ton of snare drum. There’s more groove than not and those are the times when I can ignore the snare drum most. I wonder if I would have liked this album better if it had been mixed differently. I’ll never know.

Rating: Three vicious snare drum taps out of five. Completely middle-of the road if you like repetitive fuzz (and I do). If you don’t like it than you’ll hate this album but then you’d hate anything that sounds like this so why are you even asking? Idiot.

Download links:

MediaFire

Google Drive

alt-J - Relaxer (2017 Full Album MP3 Download Leak With Water Sounds)

I’m unreasonably excited for this album so it can only fail in my eyes and ears.

https://soundcloud.com/alt-j

3WW

One heck of an instrumental intro. I kind of miss having a full track instrumental intro but this is good enough. Old-timey voice is maybe not my favorite. OK sure, they’re British but I’ve listened to a LOT of alt-J so it’s a little hard to believe some just developed this massive accent. AH…there we go. Two and a half minutes before we get to the voice I know and love. That slight rasp/break in his voice is so great. The shift at three and a half minutes is great. Distortion without being distorted. There are so many voices in this song though. I’m hoping they call come together. OK, there they did it a bit with the nice “I just want to love you in my own language”. Water noises on songs is the new hot thing this year.

In Cold Blood

There’s no way to listen to this without thinking of Flight Of The Conchords but that’s not the worst musical reference. I don’t know if I’m supposed to think of the humans being dead or not right now. The song itself is strong, at least all the parts are. Halfway through this song and it’s also pretty disjointed like the first one. There are elements of funk and soul hidden throughout but unlike some of the songs from the last album they’re not obvious copies. I appreciate that. I still wish the song (album?) would pick a groove and stick to it. I’ll always enjoy it when someone shout-sings “LA LA LA LA LA” and there’s a lot of that here. The build of both songs has been really great.

House of The Rising Sun

The original song by this name is one of my all-time favorite songs for no reason that I can articulate. It’s just a monster of a song that cuts you in half and makes you watch as it dances around in the resulting gore. So there, I lied. I articulated it. Sometimes alt-J songs sound a little like a bunch of guys hanging around fiddling with instruments and someone accidentally hit “Record”. When it works it’s amazing but if it’s too obvious it can be annoying. There’s a little of the annoying in here but I’ll wait it out. I like guitar string scraping a lot but this song is mostly dinking around with neat sounds but it’s just not coming together for me. I checked out for a minute there. Yeah, it never came together. A real missed opportunity.

Hit Me Like That Snare

Those are some jungle yelps at the start there. This is very 60s garage rock, which is fine with me but I feel like I’m doing a lot of that qualifying so far. Way too much distortion on his voice and STILL nothing to bob my head to. I have no idea what he’s trying to do with the vocals. It’s not quite a snarl or a sneer and the stupid distortion is awful. Now some woman is speaking Japanese and/or nonsense at me and the yelps are back. The last song was disappointing but this one is just annoying. I told myself not to hold this to the standard of their first album (not much can meet that standard) but bleh bleh bleh. Oh good, shouted group profanity. I hate this song so much.

Deadcrush

Is every song going to be a different musical genre, just with a weird filter over the top? This is like late-90s goth techno or some crap. I’m trying so hard not to be angry and write off the rest of this album. What’s most irritating is that there are some absolutely wonderful parts hidden in the last few songs TIME TO SING IN HIGH VOICE but they’re not cohesive enough for me to really spend any time on and instead I’m hearing the production tricks. MORE HIGH VOICE The second high voice isn’t as goofy as the first one. For all my complaining, at least this song hits a decent groove in a few spots. I could really do without the spoken-word sample though.

Adeline

I’m writing this before I’ve heard anything to say that Adeline is a fantastic name. I think I had a distant relative named Adeline who was probably a lesbian farmer way before it was cool. I’m ready to go to the hundred-year-old hip lesbian farm with this song. The finger-picking is nice, and a minute in no one has sworn at me and the distortion effects are politely hidden in the corners of the song, only peeking out at appropriate times. I didn’t write anything for the last minute because MAN I really like this song. Even if they’re mostly repeating the same sequences, they’re great sequences and they’re all layering and building on each other. Why couldn’t the whole album have been like this? “And the old triangle went jingle-jangle” manages to make me think of the amazing first alt-J album AND Nick Cave all at once. This song is so great that all the other songs probably did stupid tricks that sound bad just to try to impress this one.

Last Year

The song length is going up and I take that as a good sign. This song opens with whispery vocals and light guitar strumming. No way this one doesn’t build to something too. Let’s just hope it’s on par (or even remotely close) to the last song. OK, so the build-up is not huge but I appreciate the subtlety and being so stripped down is nice. Not just after the last song but also after the mess of songs three and four. Having two crap songs on an eight-song album is kind of rough. The female vocalist is a nice touch.

Pleader

The intro is making me think of a European art cartoon. An Euroartoon, if you will. And you will. Because there are no words so all you can think about are slightly distorted human figures swaying lightly as they hike through a stylized village. WORDS! This goes back to some of the old-timey themes that popped up in some of the other songs. STOP STOPPING! More disjointed pieces that are pulling me out. The ominous piano is fun but now it stopped again. I’m being jerked around by the renaissance fair rave. There are some really beautiful parts to this and it’s a nice way to close out the album. I just wish that (1) the album had more of consistent themes that this was tying together and (2) that it didn’t spend the first half of the song starting and stopping. I feel like they couldn’t decide how to end the song so they went with the safe option.

Rating: Four giant laser-emitting turkey legs out of five. 25% of the album is unlistenable but there are some real high points.

Download links:

Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament Full Album Leak Server

Omerta.is

Wheeler Walker Jr - Ol' Wheeler (2017)




I don't know why we're reviewing this, but maybe it's to prove that we're above NOTHING. Hell, maybe Nickelback is next. You just never know what's going to happen at the ol' paperstreekleakco.

Okay. track 1. Saddle up.

1) Pussy King. Wow. Yea, if I'm putting this album together, I think.. Yep - this is our lead track. Do it. He doesn't want anyone to have any misconceptions about his sexuality. He's totally straight. You can't be anything but straight if you are the Pussy King. This isn't a metaphor. He refers to himself as the Pussy King. After this song, I'm 100% convinced that he's totally, mostly straight.

2) Fuckin' Around. A song about cheating, but both parties are cheating. They are "coming clean" on how many people they were fuckin' around with. Apparently, it hurts both parties, but it's hard to say because it sounds like everyone is gloating about how much action they are getting. One thing is for sure, this lady had no idea she was matched up against the Pussy King. She should have listened to track 1 before she decided to try to run numbers. They are making up at the end, but he's a sucker. I mean.. this time they are totally committed.

3) Puss In Boots. I have no way of knowing, but I think that Walker's adaptation of the may not have ever read the tale. I'm 95% certain that he hasn't even seen the animated kids film. I hope he hasn't. I can't imagine him in a situation where he's watching a kids type of film. Oh man, I'm having a revelation. I think this Wheeler Walker Jr guy might be country music's answer to Stitches the rapper dude.

  - Yea, that's Stitches. I think he started rapping because he had a lot of free time on his hands. Maybe Walker got into singing country because he had a lot of time on his hands.
We're going to run with this for now. Basically, Stitches = Wheeler = Stitches. Two sides of the same coin. Come to think of it, I have never seen Stitches and Wheeler in the same place at the same time. We have to consider the possibility that they are one and the same.

4) Finger Up My Butt. This sing-songy song about convincing a proper lady to place her finger in the asshole of the Pussy King is a refined and delicate song with the subtle yearning for a lifelong love. Alternately, it could be a 1 minutes "song" that sounds like a rip off of a Tenacious D song set to country music and a Frank Zappa deep voiceover, but with the execution of a newborn attempting to figure out how to fit shapes into their corresponding holes.

5) Summers in Kentucky. Okay, so here's a song that starts out like a classic country coming of age song. Nostalgic about trying to hook up with a girl when he was 16. No biggy. I think this is the first song where you really get the flavor of Wheeler's voice. His voice has a little drawl, but there's an odd drop sound to it - as though it was thin. When he says lives have "channnnged" and "off-staaage".. it's weird. I don't know if it's contrived, enunciated oddly, or completely fake. I mean everything about this guy seems fake to me, but I don't know enough about the southern accents to say for sure. Way.. 20 years later.. he's 36 half is age... 18... So he's hooking up with 18 year olds on the road. I hope he's checking ID. Anyway... now that this girl is older and has kids and her vagina is all worn out - he thinks they have a shot at making it work out. The romance is legit. Also, this is the most country-ish sounding song if you stripped out the dumb lyrics, his fake voice, and general outlook on life.

----------------Intermission----------------- I went to get coffee. So. Once more into the breach.

6) Drunk Sluts. Twangy guitar. Okay. this guy's voice is completely fake. This song confirms it for me. His voice sounds like he loses control of his accent. The one he's trying to portray. He's upset because ladies want the DJ and not the singer, which is different than basically everything he's said before. I mean, you don't become the Pussy King if you're losing out to the DJ. What kind of a scam is Wheeler running here? He's not fooling anyone. Not with this Pussy-King-losing-to-the-DJ scheme and not with his fake-as-the-fake-tits voice he's peddling.

7) Ain't Got Enough Dick To Go Around. Okay, basically... he gets dumped and now he's the hottest hot dog in town. So.. showed her what's what. Shouldn't have left him because he's a ho-runner now. There's something fundamentally wrong with the argument here. She doesn't like you, so she dumps you. She's going to be sorry because now you're super cool in the town (population 428). Basically, the only non-geriatric dude around. So, pretty high bar. AND THERE IT IS.. He's talking about dude's blowing him. I KNEW IT. I'm pretty sure that's what he said. The Pussy King is a facade! This guys is a fraud! Now, he needs to just celebrate it instead of hiding behind this fake voice and weird beard.

8) If my Dick is Up, Why Am I Down? How.. how do you make an album with such a narrow focus. This is an ode to Wheeler's junk. I mean, it's every song. 8 songs completely dedicated to his dong. There is no way this is real. He has to be a joking joker. Okay it's a joke thing. 16 year old kid... he's riding along with his pops and he's upset that his ol' dad only listens to country. So, he convinces ol' dad to put on some "country" music. He throws this on and BOOM. He tricked the ol' man into listening to some crass country-ish music. He doesn't realize that he played himself. He now has to listen to this crap for... however many songs there are on this never-ending ode to Wheeler's dick.

9) Small Town Saturday Night. Okay. this is insane. This song is about the solitude of a small town on a Saturday night as a backdrop to the unifying idea that it's not unlike that of being alone in a big city. As though the loneliness unifies people of different backgrounds and places. The soft voice feels intimate and genuine as though Wheeler was both paying homage to the artists from before and setting the foundation for the artist that he's trying to become. Nah.. not really. This song is about his dick in a small town on a Saturday night. That's it. That's the substance. You can fill it with cliches after that and boom - there's your song.

10) Pictures On My Phone. Based on the title alone - I'm certain we are going to enter the pedo journey of Wheeler's life. He's going to talk about how he's the victim here. Oh wait.. It's about how phones have made getting nudes on the phone and computer. Here's a surprise, he doesn't like it and prefers the real thing... But he'll take what he can get. Again, I say to you this man is totally straight. Are you convinced? He's mostly convinced, but it's imperative that you are convinced. I don't really know if he likes phone nudes or not now. I cannot tell. I think Wheeler is wailing against his love/hate relationship with phone/computer nudes.

11) Poon. Chorus - "give me that poon, give me that poon." I don't know what to write about this song. I mean. It's the last track on here. I think he just asked Keith Urban for some poon. It's hard to say. Does Keith Urban peddle poon to Wheeler? This might be the most Stichers-esque song on the album.

Final Thoughts. Rating this album is tough. On a scale of one to ten, I'd give it a flaccid three. Sure, he stays in character (because there's no way this jackass is real), but it lacks the climax that we all yearn for.

Also.. apparently this is the cover to his first album.

Wheeler Walker Jr. - Ol' Wheeler (2017 Full Country Album Leak 320 MP3 RAR Dick Joke Deluxe)

I don't know what this is. From the cover I’m assuming it’s a Christian album.

https://soundcloud.com/wheelerwalkerjr

Pussy King

I feel uncomfortable just typing this song title. This is as good as I expected so far. I think every third word refers to his genitals, which is as it should be. WOW he hit racism, sexism, and religious intolerance within the first minute. I think he could have done ever more if he dispensed with the intro of Kid Rock mumbling. Jesus…I can’t comment on the music yet because I’m kind of uneasy even listening to this at work. “All the panties drop down whenever I sing…” Is this accurate? It would actually be sort of hard to perform a concert with this going on. HAHAHA Wow there is a robust chorus of soul-singing women backing him up for the last minute. The music for this song is standard modern country. The music is not the important part.

Fuckin’ Around

This is much more laid-back. It probably won’t be offensive. Hey, it’s a male/female duet. Probably an intimate love song. Oh yes, definitely. I’m going to spoil the ending and let you know that it’s kind of an O Henry story about two sleazy cheaters bonded by their infidelity. The song is actually pretty catchy, but I suspect I’m overly receptive to anything vaguely musical after the first song. This is a “list” comedy song, which I think is a comedy music cop-out but whatever…as the Pussy King I don’t think Mr. Walker Jr. is concerned with something as inconsequential as artistic criticism.

Puss In Boots

Must be a song about a cat. AGH Even though I know exactly what’s coming with every single joke he still manages to make me cringe. There is an awful lot of tongue/butthole talk already and we’re only 2 ½ songs in. I’m already becoming numb but I think this is the most crass song yet. Still reasonably catchy though. There’s nothing remarkable about the music but I think he just took the house band from the local honky talk and walked them down to the STD clinic for a performance. “I like my puss in booo-ooo-ooots”

Finger Up My Butt

I’m sure I’m going to accidentally type something about this album in a work email and then I’m done for. There’s a silly deep-voiced man reinforcing every offensive line in the song and it’s making me chuckle every time. But then I feel awful. “Be a good boy and clean out yer butthole” is solid advice. This song is probably meant to be paired with Del Tha Funkee Homosapien’s “If You Must”.

That was a short song, but to the point. Butt to the pointer. Pointer to the butt. I’m really getting into the spirit here.

Summers In Kentucky

This is…sentimental? I’m just waiting for the punchline, but if he plays this song about remembered young love straight this will be my album of the year. Four songs about anal fingering and then sweet love and- NOPE. Never mind. He managed to get to stretched-out genitals by 80 seconds in. Still fairly sentimental though, if you think “leave your husband and ride on my tour bus even though I just called you used-up” is sentimental.

Drunk Sluts

From the title and intro bars this is probably another sweet song. It must be intended to go with "Drunk Girls" by LCD Soundsystem. If I was more ambitious I'd find a sister song for every track on this album but then Wheeler Walker Jr. would probably stick his penis in each of them because that's what the Pussy King does to sisters.

This album is really flying by, which is more than I can say for some of the other mystery albums I’ve listened to recently. Even though this song is horribly offensive, the album has really moved (slightly) away from the overtly crass first four songs. There’s still plenty of time to bring it back home. Huge creepy old man vibe coming on strong as this song builds. I’m really not sure what the message of the song is, which is shame on me because it’s not like there’s a lot of subtext to this writing. I’d like to think he wrote this album sequentially and once he did the last song got stuck in a depressed drunk rut thinking about how old and gross he is. Looking at the next song’s title I can’t imagine that’s accurate though. I have to say, if I tuned out the words this is probably something I could stand to have on in the background. Around women and children, obviously.

Ain’t Got Enough Dick To Go Around

A breakup revenge song with steel guitar. What more || let me start this over and see if I still feel like I couldn’t ask for anything more. Yep, still do. I’ve actually known quite a few people who have described themselves as “the hottest shit in town” so this song means a lot to me. Of course, only one of them can actually be the hottest shit in town because that’s a Highlander situation right there. There’s a very specific kind of sword used to determine THE ONE though so I’ve always left it to them to hash out. Haha…I enjoyed the guitar lead-out followed by the commentary about the guitar.

If My Dick Is Up, Why Am I Down

This might have the best opening line yet. “Girls I used to jack off to when I skipped class are now hittin’ me up for a backstage pass”. This is another sentimental song. As this trash goes on I’m more and more impressed with the various guitarists. Yeah, it’s probably standard session work for “generic country” but I don’t listen to a lot of that so I’m getting a kick out of all the different tones and the various melodies/solos. The “joke” of this song is pretty weak and all in all it feels a little half-hearted so I’m left only semi-excited. That’s a dick joke. A flaccid one.

Small Town Saturday Night

What a catchy number! And JESUS so crass right out of the gate. This song almost could have fit on a normal (non-filthy) album as the joke track at the end. As it stands, all the butt-fingering genital-stroking talk is starting to blend together. Although I am a little curious about a line toward the end of this song because I think he just said that a truck full of men were satisfying each other manually. I’m not going to go back and look it up to confirm though.

Pictures On My Phone

Another flashback song. This one is about masturbating to dirty magazines as a kid as compared to the modern world of…sexting? HAHA I know what he meant by “send me pictures of your pussy on the phone” but the way he says it makes me think of a cartoon vagina holding a cell phone up to its little clitoris-shaped ear talking to its sister who lives in the big city now. Good God…what is this album doing to me that I live in a world of talking genitals now.

Poon

Well this song sure cuts right to the chase. It’s a nice, dark, reverb-drenched melody with every single line punctuated by the title of the song. “Hey Garth Brooks whatcha eatin’”? I guess this follows the country music tradition of naming off as many fellow country musicians as you can in tribute? I dig the reverb though and my head is bobbing to the beat. Whoo…the I GOT THE POOOOOO-OON yodeling finale is amazing. This is the best Christian music album I’ve ever heard.

Rating: Six genital references out of five for being exactly what I had hoped for. One tiny penis out of five for something a human would actually ever listen to though.

Download links:

Poonload

Dickyshare