Wheeler Walker Jr - Ol' Wheeler (2017)




I don't know why we're reviewing this, but maybe it's to prove that we're above NOTHING. Hell, maybe Nickelback is next. You just never know what's going to happen at the ol' paperstreekleakco.

Okay. track 1. Saddle up.

1) Pussy King. Wow. Yea, if I'm putting this album together, I think.. Yep - this is our lead track. Do it. He doesn't want anyone to have any misconceptions about his sexuality. He's totally straight. You can't be anything but straight if you are the Pussy King. This isn't a metaphor. He refers to himself as the Pussy King. After this song, I'm 100% convinced that he's totally, mostly straight.

2) Fuckin' Around. A song about cheating, but both parties are cheating. They are "coming clean" on how many people they were fuckin' around with. Apparently, it hurts both parties, but it's hard to say because it sounds like everyone is gloating about how much action they are getting. One thing is for sure, this lady had no idea she was matched up against the Pussy King. She should have listened to track 1 before she decided to try to run numbers. They are making up at the end, but he's a sucker. I mean.. this time they are totally committed.

3) Puss In Boots. I have no way of knowing, but I think that Walker's adaptation of the may not have ever read the tale. I'm 95% certain that he hasn't even seen the animated kids film. I hope he hasn't. I can't imagine him in a situation where he's watching a kids type of film. Oh man, I'm having a revelation. I think this Wheeler Walker Jr guy might be country music's answer to Stitches the rapper dude.

  - Yea, that's Stitches. I think he started rapping because he had a lot of free time on his hands. Maybe Walker got into singing country because he had a lot of time on his hands.
We're going to run with this for now. Basically, Stitches = Wheeler = Stitches. Two sides of the same coin. Come to think of it, I have never seen Stitches and Wheeler in the same place at the same time. We have to consider the possibility that they are one and the same.

4) Finger Up My Butt. This sing-songy song about convincing a proper lady to place her finger in the asshole of the Pussy King is a refined and delicate song with the subtle yearning for a lifelong love. Alternately, it could be a 1 minutes "song" that sounds like a rip off of a Tenacious D song set to country music and a Frank Zappa deep voiceover, but with the execution of a newborn attempting to figure out how to fit shapes into their corresponding holes.

5) Summers in Kentucky. Okay, so here's a song that starts out like a classic country coming of age song. Nostalgic about trying to hook up with a girl when he was 16. No biggy. I think this is the first song where you really get the flavor of Wheeler's voice. His voice has a little drawl, but there's an odd drop sound to it - as though it was thin. When he says lives have "channnnged" and "off-staaage".. it's weird. I don't know if it's contrived, enunciated oddly, or completely fake. I mean everything about this guy seems fake to me, but I don't know enough about the southern accents to say for sure. Way.. 20 years later.. he's 36 half is age... 18... So he's hooking up with 18 year olds on the road. I hope he's checking ID. Anyway... now that this girl is older and has kids and her vagina is all worn out - he thinks they have a shot at making it work out. The romance is legit. Also, this is the most country-ish sounding song if you stripped out the dumb lyrics, his fake voice, and general outlook on life.

----------------Intermission----------------- I went to get coffee. So. Once more into the breach.

6) Drunk Sluts. Twangy guitar. Okay. this guy's voice is completely fake. This song confirms it for me. His voice sounds like he loses control of his accent. The one he's trying to portray. He's upset because ladies want the DJ and not the singer, which is different than basically everything he's said before. I mean, you don't become the Pussy King if you're losing out to the DJ. What kind of a scam is Wheeler running here? He's not fooling anyone. Not with this Pussy-King-losing-to-the-DJ scheme and not with his fake-as-the-fake-tits voice he's peddling.

7) Ain't Got Enough Dick To Go Around. Okay, basically... he gets dumped and now he's the hottest hot dog in town. So.. showed her what's what. Shouldn't have left him because he's a ho-runner now. There's something fundamentally wrong with the argument here. She doesn't like you, so she dumps you. She's going to be sorry because now you're super cool in the town (population 428). Basically, the only non-geriatric dude around. So, pretty high bar. AND THERE IT IS.. He's talking about dude's blowing him. I KNEW IT. I'm pretty sure that's what he said. The Pussy King is a facade! This guys is a fraud! Now, he needs to just celebrate it instead of hiding behind this fake voice and weird beard.

8) If my Dick is Up, Why Am I Down? How.. how do you make an album with such a narrow focus. This is an ode to Wheeler's junk. I mean, it's every song. 8 songs completely dedicated to his dong. There is no way this is real. He has to be a joking joker. Okay it's a joke thing. 16 year old kid... he's riding along with his pops and he's upset that his ol' dad only listens to country. So, he convinces ol' dad to put on some "country" music. He throws this on and BOOM. He tricked the ol' man into listening to some crass country-ish music. He doesn't realize that he played himself. He now has to listen to this crap for... however many songs there are on this never-ending ode to Wheeler's dick.

9) Small Town Saturday Night. Okay. this is insane. This song is about the solitude of a small town on a Saturday night as a backdrop to the unifying idea that it's not unlike that of being alone in a big city. As though the loneliness unifies people of different backgrounds and places. The soft voice feels intimate and genuine as though Wheeler was both paying homage to the artists from before and setting the foundation for the artist that he's trying to become. Nah.. not really. This song is about his dick in a small town on a Saturday night. That's it. That's the substance. You can fill it with cliches after that and boom - there's your song.

10) Pictures On My Phone. Based on the title alone - I'm certain we are going to enter the pedo journey of Wheeler's life. He's going to talk about how he's the victim here. Oh wait.. It's about how phones have made getting nudes on the phone and computer. Here's a surprise, he doesn't like it and prefers the real thing... But he'll take what he can get. Again, I say to you this man is totally straight. Are you convinced? He's mostly convinced, but it's imperative that you are convinced. I don't really know if he likes phone nudes or not now. I cannot tell. I think Wheeler is wailing against his love/hate relationship with phone/computer nudes.

11) Poon. Chorus - "give me that poon, give me that poon." I don't know what to write about this song. I mean. It's the last track on here. I think he just asked Keith Urban for some poon. It's hard to say. Does Keith Urban peddle poon to Wheeler? This might be the most Stichers-esque song on the album.

Final Thoughts. Rating this album is tough. On a scale of one to ten, I'd give it a flaccid three. Sure, he stays in character (because there's no way this jackass is real), but it lacks the climax that we all yearn for.

Also.. apparently this is the cover to his first album.