What the heck…I’ll do another of these. I’ll review this Courtney
Barnett Hazel English album that’s not really an album. Smooshing two EP’s
together shouldn’t count as an album unless you clearly note in the album name
that that’s what you did. Hazel didn’t do that so she gets one demerit.
Other Lives
I hate retro snare beats at this point. I never liked The
Replacements and even early REM is barely tolerable from a production point of
view. Another demerit for opening the album with what sounds like the backing
track from a 1985 REM outtake. Female vocals so it’s not exactly Michael Stipe
but boy oh boy is this ever SO TOTALLY 80s BUT ALSO SO VERY INDIE. Echoes
abound.
Fix
I didn’t even notice that the songs had changed. I think
this has the exact same drum beat and vocal echoes as the first song. It’s
slightly catchier than the first song but basically the same so maybe by the
last song she’ll get it just right. I actually just had to check to make sure I
didn’t miss a song in between these two but I guess not.
Birthday
She sings a little higher in this song but otherwise I can’t
tell it apart from the first one. It’s only one second longer than the first
song so I’ll just assume they’re the same. The track two version of the first
song was better. Her one song isn’t a terrible song, but three versions in I’m
getting a little tired of it.
Love Is Dead
An indie 80s baseline to open! At least it’s not the
Replacements snare aga- there it is. This version of her one song is slightly
different because it has stopping points midway through to catch your breath
from all that glossy, ill-defined guitar and HEY DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT 80s
PRODUCTION SOUNDED LIKE? Hazel English wasn’t alive to remember it, but I was
and it was terrible. What makes me tolerant of M83 and not this? Not sure, but
at least there’s a little variety and majesty with M83. This is just the same
crappy pop song over and over. If she’s saying anything memorable I can’t
understand it thanks to the intentionally crappy production. As far as I can
tell most of her lyrics are just repeating the song titles over and over.
Note: I actually have no idea how old Hazel English and I
don’t care so let me dream my dream that she’s just not old enough to know any
better about how pretentious it is to be nostalgic for something you never
directly experienced.
More Like You
This is a much slower version of her song and the snare drum
is more muted. At this point I’ll take it as enough variety because I think
that’s all I’m going to get. This “album” feels like a single. I remember
getting singles and not realizing that’s what they were, then by the third version
of the same song I would finally look at the tracklist and realize I was just
listening to slightly different edits or remixes over and over. I’ll take a
Ministry single over this though.
Never Going Home
Opens with a guitar riff…please be different from all the
others. At this point I don’t want to keep writing about how every song sounds
the same. DAMMIT this one pretty much sounds the same. I’m sure in about 20
seconds she’ll start repeating “never going home”. HAHAHA I AM A PSYCHIC. Lots
of “ooooh” in the background makes this one of the top two versions of her one
song so far.
Make It Better
How much longer is this thing? Five more songs counting this
one??? Ugh. There’s basically nothing that can save the album for me at this
point but I can’t just stop listening. It’s not in the true spirit of live
reviewing. I think I got at least twice as much enjoyment out of Wheeler Walker
Jr. as I did Hazel English. This is another slightly slower version of THE
SONG. In all versions I’m almost sure the snare rhythm is the same but I don’t
care enough to go back and prove it. There’s some lilting high voice. Not much
though. BLEAAAAAAGH I want to listen to Ministry now.
Control
I think there’s a slightly stronger echo effect applied to
her voice in this version of THE SONG. Also, two demerits for daring to make an
80s-sounding that references “control” without giving at least a nod to Joy
Division.
Let’s compare for quality.
Hazel English:
What are you searching for
Someone to admire
You want to feel in control
You do what you like
Joy Division:
But she expressed herself in many
different ways,
Until she lost control again.
And walked upon the edge of no
escape,
And laughed I've lost control.
A full qualitative analysis shows that Joy Division is good
and Hazel English is an idiot.
It’s Not Real
Oh my god a different intro of strummed guitar BUT WAIT,
THERE’S SNARE! Echo and guitar gloss have been turned down in this mix of THE
SONG. I’m totally out of things to say about it beyond that.
I’m Fine
Oh huh…I think I’ve actually heard this song. It’s not too
bad so far. Yes… you’re fine, Hazel. It’s clear that you are so fine that you
have no angst, inner turmoil, or artistic motivation of your own. Oh yeah, that
sharp synth horn – I’ve heard this for sure. It’s definitely a different song
from the other one that’s over and over on this album because I’m halfway
through and there’s no snare and the song is actually building to something.
Probably a snare drum. I stopped paying attention and had to go back to the
last 30 seconds of the song to check my prediction – no snare. I’m only 50%
psychic.
That Thing
Whatever.
Final demerit count: Four? Not going back and counting. At
five demerits you’re hanged so let’s call it four and let her live. That leaves
her at a rating of one remaining demerit
out of a possible five. If you want to enjoy something like this album just
watch Drive instead. It’s not great, but at least while they repeat the same
fake 80s song for an hour you get to watch someone hit another person with
tools. DID YOU NOTICE THE SYMBOLISM IN DRIVE? BECAUSE THERE WAS SOME.
Download links:
Megadrive
Crocko
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