Hooray! It’s mystery time!
*non-live follow-up edit* It turns out that I listened to the songs out of order. It doesn't matter one bit what order you listen to them in though - it still sounds the same.
Herald
So far, so horny. This song is two minutes long. The next
one is only a minute long. Then there’s a 10-minute song. Does that mean that
the first two songs are intros? I hope so, because this one is just some
poorly-played trumpet notes. I think he’s spitting in the trumpet at a few
points. And I’ve played trumpet so I know what that sounds like. The end of
this song is ridiculous because the trumpet spitters start “talking” to each
other.
No-one
IS HE PLAYING THE SPACE PHONE? I sure hope so!
I don’t know what else it could possibly be. And other than
that it’s just moaning and whining sounds. I’m really glad this is only a
minute long.
Masseuse
This was almost a song with the plucked guitar notes but then
all of a sudden it got all poorly played ‘n’ stuff. Drumming! That’s catchy
enough but I’m starting to think he doesn’t actually know how to play any of
these instruments. Those vocals. Hmm. I certainly like things with worse vocals.
This has a little Captain Beefheart to it…sort of. I think he’s sing-shouting
in a fake British accent. Unless he’s British, in which case it’s a fake
American accent. If I hadn’t had to endure the first two songs I’d probably be
more receptive to this song but it’s not the best. His singing is just as rough
as his instrument playing but I’m still intrigued. Maybe not for 10 minutes of
just this one song intrigued, but still intrigued.
Murder! Yippee! The lyrics were getting intriguing but then
OH MY GOD PLEASE JUST LEARN TO PLAY AT LEAST ONE INSTRUMENT PROPERLY. The drums
can’t even keep a steady beat. I like Sunset Rubdown (a lot) so I can’t write
this off completely yet but it’s just to the wrong side of enjoyable in pretty
much every way. And his singing is truly terrible.
It just keeps going. I’m so ready for this to be over but
there are three minutes left. How? A new song just started inside the old song
but you know how I know it’s still the same song? Because ¾ of the guitar notes
are poorly strummed and have that teeth-clenching vibrating sound happening
louder than the note itself. I want someone with talent to re-record this song
because I still think there’s something worth saving here. Of course, I also
thought my ex-wife was worth marrying so you should absolutely not trust my
assessment.
Ogre
Someone else must be playing that violin because it hasn’t
messed up anything in the intro. I do like when the vocals are chanted by a
chorus. And at least in this song the other voices mostly drown out his rotten
voice. I need some more synonyms for “bad” because I’m going to run out really
quickly. Oh no, he’s singing solo now. The drumming stopped keeping track of
the song, but I think the poor guitar playing might actually be what kills the
album for me. “Tie the goats to my cot…”? I think that’s what he said. It was
important enough for all the other sounds to drop out of the song so he could
warble his way through the line but I don’t understand it. And not in a
curiously cryptic way, more in the way of throwing your head back and wailing, “WHYYYYYYYY?”.
What do you know – I actually really like the last two
minutes of this song. I’m telling you, I could marry this Richard Dawkins
character and turn him around into Moonface Jr AND get him believing in god.
Soldier
Back to amateur guitar hour with the start of this song. Oh
hey…all the song titles are professions! Or…something. I don’t know what they
are. But they’re things. And stuff. HIS SINGING SOUNDS LIKE WHEN A POOP MAKES A
POOP. There are some mildly enjoyable parts here, but mostly him bi
Weaver
Someone needs to teach him about song intros. Because this “random
tapping and plucking of guitar strings” thing he uses on every song isn’t
working. If he could play guitar the intro after the intro would be fun though.
As it is, it’s another “almost”. I wonder if this album is an experiment in
putting a microphone above a random guy’s shower and turning the results into
an album. HAHA he’s singing in ye olde high voice! This is another song where I
find myself really enjoying the last couple of minutes once it’s built to a
groove, there’s a proper beat, and he’s not singing. That last part is probably
key.
Prostitute
No guitar introducing this song, just his “singing voice”.
Uh oh…I think this is a ballad. In the most medieval sense of the word, minus
any actual song-like qualities. Halfway through and I don’t think I can endure
two more minutes of “Richard Dawson’s random thoughts”. This might be the worst
song so far.
Shapeshifter
I forgot to listen to the intro to this song but I’m not
going back. I only remembered to pay attention because halfway through it got
kind of fun and bouncy and then a minute later someone let their toddler bang
on the guitar and it killed it for me. I can hear more of the lyrics on this
song than on others and…they’re not good. I think he’s just using old-timey or
obscure words to sound more artistic but it doesn’t work that way. “Garment”
isn’t that special of a word. It just sounds a little weird. That song built to
a groove like some of the others but it wasn’t a very good one.
Scientist
INTRO REPORT: More stupid blurry string plucking. The actual
song has some sing-shouting. This is what it sounds like when your bard has had
enough and he’s going to tell you all about it IN SONG. I still like the choir
parts, which may include children. The angry tone is just not working. I couldn’t
say for sure what the tone of the other songs was but this one is definitely
going for “angry”. It’s making him hit the guitar strings even harder so they
vibrate more. I’m almost done with the album so it’s pretty clear that the crummy
guitar playing is his thing.
Hob
What the heck is a “hob”? Not a beggar, because that’s the
next song. Now I have to look this up because from what I can understand of the
lyrics this might be some kind of ominous monster adventure. With a dead baby.
Is it an upcoming video game? “Hob is not only beautiful to watch and play, but
pure fun to play.” Probably not that. I don’t see any dead babies in the
description. The song is another one that’s mostly vocals so I’m enjoying the
distraction of looking up this “hob” thing. It’s probably “a household spirit
in Northern England” but I’d much rather think that he’s talking about a
character in Robocop 2. This song will never end. It’s so bad. So, so, so, so,
so, so, bad. Or as Richard Dawson would say, “bæddel”.
Beggar
Praise the olde lorde, it’s almost over. Wow, only some of
the notes in the intro are messed up. That’s a big improvement over the rest of
the songs. It’s trying to hit a groove earlier too…welp, he just killed it by
singing. I’m just going to put in some of the lyrics now instead of writing a
review because I feel like these lyrics really do this song justice:
If you rely on the
kindness of strangers
It helps to have a
hound for a handmaid
Not only for the
superior nose
Or companionship
Often people stop to
talk with me
Having never seen
before such a very beautiful snow-coloured collie
And you better bet that the “u” in “coloured” is important. Since
we’re doing lyrics now, this song ends with:
And scream at the
sinking stars
"Can you ever
forgive me?"
Nope! I can’t!
Final rating: One and a half dead dogs out of five. I’m still going to marry him in the desperate hope that I
can turn him into Spencer Krug but realistically I know we’ll get divorced
within days if nothing else than because I have to listen to him talk in Olde
English all the time.
Download links:
Zippyshare
iTunes
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