Bandcamp link: You know, even the name of the record label is so obscene that I'm not comfortable pasting it here. Do your own research.
Satchel
I like underwater Darth Vader and his Casio keyboard so far
and ….HERE WE GO! I feel like I just got sideswiped by a car covered in marital
aids. So far the damage is just superficial but they’re coming back for more
and I’m about to require a trip to the dildo dent body shop. I can’t actually
understand very much outside of the profanity and now he said “blubleblabubble”
HAHAHA followed by something about skills on the mic. I need to turn up the
volume to THE MOST. Same body since childhood? Is this Webster? Isn’t Webster
dead? Did he just talk about his butthole? This is actually kind of amazing, if
amazing means “sounds like the rambling drunk schizo guy who used to stand next
to the drinking fountain in the library” only with the word “satchel” a lot. Of
course it does.
How I Beat Off Shaq (Takes
Two Hands)
This is a slow jam. With probably the best title ever. I had
to turn up the volume again and skip back because I can’t hear the amazing
lyrics. I’m almost sure he said “smokin’ on that peepee in the Persian Gulf”,
which is just so evocative of that time in mylife. “Yo shaq, can I f*** your
face?” is actually not the most explicit part of this song. I appreciate how
sincere and positive this song is, like remembering a warm spring day lying in
the grass with the love of your life. Except with a giant basketball player’s
package smacking you in the nose. Beautiful. It’s going to be hard for anything
else on the album to top this early climax.
A.N.E
I…don’t know what this person is saying about ¾ of the time
and I think even if the distortion on the vocals was gone I still wouldn’t be
able to tell. “D*** too tiny for the checkout lane” and “KY jelly rub it on my
belly” are good examples of what I can hear. There’s an awful lot of what seem to
be gay references working their way through a song about doing…stuff…to women
but maybe this dinosaur plays for both teams. I would like to take the time to
say that Brontosaurus Rex is a pretty fantastic band name. He just developed a
middle eastern accent out of nowhere…right before he pooped on my Porsche. I’m
going to spoil the acronym of the title and let you know that A.N.E stands for “a**
never empty”. He just pooped on the microphone and told me he breaks toilets. I’d
say all this poop assault stuff is a weird thing to juxtapose with the rest of
the content of this highly sexy song but three songs in I think it makes
perfect sense. Maybe this is the new Kanye under a pseudonym.
Niggs Hustle
This sounds like Gangsta’s Paradise, just about eating
McDonalds after attack-pooping all night. “Gonna f*** my PS4 and the XBOX One”
WHAT? “Name my son Xanabull?” This string of “words” starting with “xan-“ is
impressive…ish. Like Dylan’s Mozambique rhymes but with more child drug
addiction and racial slurs. I used to listen to Wesley Willis and think that he
was about as nonsensical stream of consciousness as it could get but
Brontosaurus Rex is really proving my 15-year-old opinion wrong. There seems to
be some real gender confusion happening here too. Who is the core audience for
this? I feel like this can’t be a joke. It’s too good.
King Rex
Time for a new beat please. We’re getting into a bit of a
rut and now there’s a monster version of the pooping man/woman. I have the
volume loud enough that the grunting and groaning has merged with my brain so I
am one with the grunt. There’s a new man sing-talking (this is not rapping) and
he’s doing his best Kool Keith but with stuttering and halting speech about how
he is hunting demons from his brain. He ends his minutes-long ramble with “that’s
all that I have” and the monster comes back. WHAT IS HAPPENING? There’s so much
yelling with no actual words.
3 Glucks
This might actually be my new favorite song title. The
lyrics are getting less and less coherent as we go on. “Go right another
article, b****.” He’s talking about Linkin Park and sort of singing old Destiny’s
Child songs? And I think he just said “dinosaur pen-iss” and later made some “glucking”
sounds that (if I understand his explanation correctly) are due to him “choking
on a load”. If I was unsure about the dinosaur’s sexual preferences before this
song I…no I’m still unclear even after all the sodomy talk. Good news though – the
lines “I will never use the internet because it before my time” and “I ain’t
washed my nuts for a decade and they getting’ musty” both appear in this song.
I’m uncomfortable with the way the song closes. It appears to be dedicated to
NAMBLA. Or against it. I have no idea.
Slurpin
How in the world is this different from the last song? I’m
sure there’s some fine distinction to “gluckin’” and “slurpin’” but the noises
sound the same to me. If my genitals ever start leaking of their own accord I will
now feel comfortable making at least one song about it. Brontosaurus Rex helped
me get over that future insecurity. “So many hos gonna need a ho track”. What
is a ho track? Do they race like horses or cars? I’d put my money on the
shortest one
MM/PP/SS (Remix)
I think the tiny robot voice is from Aqua Teen Hunger force.
The Halloween theme is back and deep voice monstersaurus is actually barking at
tiny robot. We didn’t get to hear the original MM/PP/SS so I don’t know how
this remix is different. This song has the classic butthole/pooping lyrical interplay
between tiny robot and unintelligible monster dog that everyone loves from old
show tunes. My favorite part of the album is definitely when the deep voice guy
just makes sounds instead of words. The completely insane word association
games are a close second though, especially when they rhyme “smegma” and “omega”.
Cretaceous
I can’t believe we’re already at the end of our journey
together. Muscially this song is pretty much the same as all the rest. Which I’ve
talked about basically not at all. High single-note melody, slow bassline,
atonal clicking drum machine. There actually seems to be some racism here and I’m
afraid to look up more information about this group to be sure. Good news
though –racist or not they’re not going to let the album close out without a
heck of a lot of talk about anal intrusion. “You got money, I need it, narwhal,
make the car haul”. WOW. Brilliant. Well, that’s that. I almost wish the album
closed out with more of a bang, or if not a bang then more distorted sound
effects of the main dinosaur pretending to choke on bodily fluids.
Final rating: Five brown eyes out of five. This album achieved exactly what it set out to do, which
was to transport me into the tortured artistic mind of a semi-gay dinosaur displaced
in time. I’m going to listen to it again, but this time while covered in and
filled with toy dinosaurs.
Download links:
Are we still doing this bit? I don’t think we are.
tiredoldgag.net
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